Image is everything

Submitted by Kristen…

From day one, my life was filled with godly people, prayers and love as I was born into the community of Gracepoint. For as long as I can remember, I always had people at my house at all odd hours of the day for staff meetings, dinners, hang out times, bible studies, prep, and talks with my parents since my parents were some of the leaders of the church. I never missed a Sunday Worship Service, Tuesday Prayer Meeting, or Friday Bible Study—even if I was just in babysitting. Likewise, I knew bible stories very well and they filled my bookshelves, but they were simply stories—they were no different to me than the Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty stories I read.

Despite all the love, prayers, and blessings I received growing up, I was a very selfish, self-centered child. I only looked out for myself, sought attention for myself, did things I wanted, and if I didn’t I got upset. I still remember being very bitter when our family moved to Davis to start Gracepoint Davis Church when I was four years old, because I was taken away from my personal comforts of friends and familiarity, and for years and years following, I selfishly brooded in self-pity, never thinking about others. Furthermore, if I didn’t get something I wanted, I would get it for myself by stealing or other ways of deception. I stole from my parents, my friends, my brothers, and others, because I thought that I deserved to get what I wanted. And yet, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, and when people pointed out to me the wrong way I behaved, I got angry, defensive, and simply did not like that person any longer.

In the summer of fourth grade, I went to my first FTS retreat. It was here that all the bible stories finally connected and applied to me, and I realized what sin was and acknowledged that I was a sinner. I learned about Jesus’ love and sacrifice for me, and at that retreat I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. However, He did not become Lord of my life—I did not realize at all what it meant to be a Christian and Christ follower. I just wanted to be saved, I didn’t want to give the commitment.

I quickly fell into living in sin and my patterns of selfishness once again. I loved having the approval of people all around me, and I selfishly enjoyed popularity and lots of friends, and I did all I could to maintain it, even if it meant hurting others. As the years passed, I identified what it took to be popular and well liked at school, and I did all those things. I was very unhappy, because I felt like I was cramped by church and my parents who wanted to protect me, and sheltered me from secular things. At school, I pretended to know all the popular TV shows, popular secular music, pop stars, and said the right things to say to be popular when the truth was, I didn’t even have a TV at home! It didn’t matter if my actions contradicted my convictions—popularity and friends were all that mattered and were important to me, and I was going to get it no matter what. God was simply out of the picture. However, I felt so empty and I was such a fake. I couldn’t be who I really was, and half the time I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore.

By this time, I was in Element Youth Group, and there I was able to learn more about Christian life and what it really means to live as a Christian. Through the retreats, bible studies, small group times, and guidance from my leaders, I realized what an ugly sinner I was, and how much I needed to radically change. But the thing was, I didn’t want to. Even though I called myself a “Christian”, my walk was far out of line with my talk. I was too comfortable in my seat of “popularity” and it now had a strong grip over me. I didn’t want to give it up, although I knew I needed to. I was in a constant struggle, and I felt like I was in a never ending wrestling match. I conformed more and more to the patterns of this world, and became completely absorbed in appearance and friends and developed a secular mindset and habits. My life completely revolved around myself, even though I called myself a Christian. Honestly, there was absolutely no difference between me and the non-churched students at school.

However, I began to see how ugly such a life was, how unsatisfying and how unfulfilling. I was stumbling all the time, but I never wanted to fall into the arms of my Heavenly Father who loved me—I thought I could do it all alone, and I saw God as just a killjoy of all my fun. I felt that it was His fault I couldn’t be like everyone else—His fault I only could listen to Christian music, His fault I couldn’t go to parties, His fault I couldn’t go to dances, His fault I couldn’t have a boyfriend, His fault I never had free weekends.

Yet, even despite my rejection of such love, I still felt God knocking at my heart for months, years. In 2009, I finished off my 9^th grade year and my junior high years, and though I felt happy, my happiness was temporary and I found I was happy for all the wrong reasons. I felt hollow, and I felt like nobody at school knew who I really was, and I hated it. I looked at myself and I hated what I saw—I only liked people who were popular and cool, and anyone else I didn’t even give the time of day, I only cared about how I looked, I was selfish, I was ungrateful about everything, I was always anxious, and I could never let my guard down.

The theme of the summer Element Retreat was “Image Is Everything”— meaning our image in God is everything. God was personally speaking to me at this time, as my prayer before the retreat had been “God, please give me your eyes and heart to see the world as you do. Please open my eyes to see how you want me to live.” Pastor Will talked about how God loved us so much, that He created us lovingly to be spiritual creatures and even entrusted us with His own image. He said that we should love others around us in such a way, because they are all precious to God because of their spiritual image, not because of their physical image as the world stated. One night at the retreat, I cried out to God explaining to him that I was on the edge. I realized that I could not continue straddling the line—I could not serve two masters. I was sick of it, and I felt like I was about to break if I continued living that way. I needed to serve one and hate the other—my lukewarm life was not acceptable. From that night on, I was either going to go all the way with my Christian life, or I was going to completely leave it. At that moment, I felt struck and hit a fresh by God’s love in two ways: first, that he made me in His own image—he had given me his spiritual image to have, to protect and mature even though I had completely destroyed it. Second, he even gave up his own son to die for me. I had seen how much my parents loved their kids, and I could not imagine how hard it was for him to give up His most precious son, and yet he did—for a wretched failure like me. At that, I was blown away, and I felt utterly ashamed for the way I had been living—what kind of gratitude was I showing to someone who had given so much for me and shown me such love? I was struck and felt rebuked for the lukewarm, compromising way I had been living. That night I fully and completely surrendered my whole life to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and I made him the Lord of my life.

Since then, life has not been any easier—in fact, it has been more difficult as I am in constant battle with my desires and sins and follow Jesus as he said in Luke 9: 23-25, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world and yet lose or forfeit his very self?” Especially in High School, I feel like I am always being pulled down by the pressures and attacked by Satan’s flaming arrows, especially as the youth today are mercilessly attacked and targeted, but I am so thankful for the grace, mercy, and the word God gives me everyday. I am no longer obsessed with popularity, nor so worried about being different and standing out, and I have been taking concrete steps to take a stand against the popular flow. For example, I no longer accept teenage dating as the norm and standard and I no longer wish to be in such relationships. I have shared with many of my classmates and friends my stance against teenage dating, and even though at first they considered me a freak for doing so and gave me a hard time, they have come to agree with me and have made commitments themselves. Furthermore, I no longer am afraid to stand up in class for my morals and views, and I take a stand in discussions in class, even if I am the only one. Though it is tough everyday, I look forward to what is in store that day when we will be with Jesus is glory, as 2 Corinthians 4:16-17 gives me hope “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”