I have been crucified with Christ

Submitted by Anonymous…    I was born in a typical Chinese family. My mom had high-standards socially and was quite strict with me. I was trained to be polite and careful not to hurt anybody’s feelings. How could I never hurt anyone? The best way was to always keep my relationships superficial. I went somewhat extreme in this way. I never had a very close friend whom I could completely trust. I never shared my deep thoughts with others, nor did I inquire about theirs. If they told me, I would politely listen and try to comfort them or give them some advice. Some people thought I was a considerate guy, but I knew I didn’t really care about anyone.

My family was not purely atheistic. Like most Chinese, they would rather believe there are gods and ghosts, and feared those could bring bad luck to them. Sometimes they worshipped these gods, asking to be blessed with health and wealth. But in everyday life, they avoid talking or thinking about gods. I was just like that. If there was a god for me by then, it was success. I had been an excellent student in school and finally entered Peking University, the top university in China. Of course I received a lot of praise and envy from my relatives and peers. I really enjoyed that taste of success.

However, after entering college, I suddenly felt my mission was over. I didn’t know what to do next. First of all, I couldn’t be as outstanding as before, because every classmate was the best of the best. I told myself: “Do not panic! Try harder! Beat ‘em!” I tried studying longer and harder, but there were always some genius guys who could easily beat me. Greatly frustrated, I had to accept the fact that I was no longer the best. Besides, I found myself a loser in most aspects of life: neither tall nor handsome; not good at sports; unable to play any instruments; barely any skills; an unpromising major; no talent of making money; etc. And I knew I would have to be such a loser for the rest of my life. What is the meaning and purpose of my life then? This question arose and bothered me again and again. I read books and talked to people I considered wise, including my parents, elderly relatives, teachers, and friends, but no one could give me a satisfactory answer. By chance, I read some Buddhism scriptures. Sometimes they gave me some comfort, but those didn’t work as a solid foundation. I began to isolate myself and indulge in computer games, seeking virtual pleasure and satisfaction. I still appeared happy and enthusiastic, but deep in my heart, I was empty and depressed.

Things began to change when I came to Berkeley in 2008. Shufei picked me up at the airport. I didn’t know he was Christian at that time, but I could sense he had very different personality: not politely nice, but genuinely kind and trustworthy. I began to build a relationship with him, sometimes having lunch together, and he invited me to ISM Friday Bible studies. I barely knew anything about Christianity then, but fortunately, I held an open attitude. In the messages, Chul didn’t simply explain the Scripture literally, but related the Bible to real life. I was stunned by the fact that he had similar experiences as an international student that I could identify with, yet he held such different views about life than mine. Many of my previous questions were answered in a way I had never imagined. I became very interested in Christianity and took Course 101 taught by Thomas. The concepts of God, sin and salvation were foreign to me, but surprisingly they made perfect sense. I was impressed by the analogy of a car finding its “owner’s manual.”  I saw that the Bible describes me inside out, exposing the deepest and darkest corners of my heart that even I myself never realized. I began to understand how the desire to be the best had captured, misled and distorted me. I also realized that my politeness toward others was in fact indifference. I saw that ultimately I didn’t care about anything or anyone but only myself. Finally, I would go to hell, where I would be isolated forever, because I chose to.

Then I learned about the Cross and Resurrection. I had heard about the resurrection stuff before and thought it was no more than a story, or in other words a lie, which was commonly seen in many other religions. But to my surprise, Jesus’ resurrection was claimed as a historical fact and the foundation of Christian belief. So I carefully examined the evidence laid out. I wasn’t 100% convinced, but almost. The “trilemma” reasoning by C.S. Lewis was a nice piece of argument. A strong evidence was the transformation of the twelve disciples, especially Peter, who used to be a coward who denied Jesus three times, but later gave his whole life to preaching Christ and finally got crucified on the cross, upside down, following his Master. I was also amazed by the fact that the core belief of Christianity formed very soon after the Resurrection and remained unchanged ever since. The most convincing evidence, however, was my own observation of Christians around me. People in ISM shared with me how they had been changed by God, and I saw their actions conform to their claims. I saw how they cared and labored for me and other seeking students. I saw how they loved and sacrificed for each other. I saw they lived out the teachings of the Bible. I saw in them the image of God. The Christians around me testified with their own lives.

The more I learned about Christianity, the deeper I was attracted to it. There was a yearning within my heart, but I hesitated to respond. During the invitation time at the ISM retreat in February 2009, I almost raised my hand several times, but didn’t. I was bogged down by concerns like “How will my parents, lab mates and friends view me if I become a Christian? Will I look weird or stupid to them? Will I regret my decision in the future if I make it?” I tried to justify myself with the fact that most Chinese students I knew did not accept Christ. Then we watched the video clip of Pontius Pilate mumbling the question “what is truth” when he tried Jesus. Chul challenged us by asking: “if you see the truth, why don’t you take it?” I realized the point is not to believe what most people believe, but my it’s personal choice between truth and lie, life and death. Thanks to God, I finally had the courage to raise my hand.

There was a “honeymoon” period after my decision, when I was enthusiastic about learning more about the Bible and becoming a better Christian. But one or two months later, doubts began to arise. I began to wonder if Jesus’ promise of eternal life was trustworthy. Thanks to God’s mercy, the Good Friday Service came at the right time. We watched the movie clip of Jesus’ trial and crucifixion. There was nothing new in terms of biblical knowledge; I simply revisited the basic truth, but my heart was dramatically changed. Then we had the Lord’s Supper. Meditating upon the words: “take and eat; this is my body… drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins,” I repented and prayed a hard prayer of confession.

Then, the other night I randomly opened the Bible, and Psalm 8:3-4 jumped into my eyes. It reads: “when I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?” I was overwhelmed. Who am I to deserve God’s grace and love? I am a broken and wicked sinner, who repeatedly rejected and doubted God. But God never gave me up. He patiently chased after me and forgave me one time after another, keeping no record of my wrongs. He descended Himself and came in flesh on the earth. He went through every temptation I experience in order to understand my helplessness, and He broke the chains of sin with His innocence, demonstrating hope to me. He walked to the cross and took all my sin, so that I bear it no more. He dived into death and finally triumphed over it by the glorious Resurrection, so that death – the biggest threat and the most powerful weapon of Satan – is destroyed.  And now He is willing to share His eternal life with me. Who am I to deserve such great love like this? Yet Christ gave this wonderful love to me. What can I say? Praise the Lord!

Now, through the Bible, I know myself better. I used to avoid self-examination, because seeing my sinfulness made me feel bad. I’m still a sinner, but now I can deal with my sin in an honest and placid way, because I know God knows everything about me and still loves and forgives me. I learned to be humble, because I realize I have nothing worth boasting. “If I must boast, I boast of the things that show my weakness.”

As a Christian, the purpose of my life is no longer money, success or any kind of self satisfaction, but to follow God and do His will. I used to worry a lot about future. Now, I still have concerns, but I entrust them to God, and believe that He will take care of me, because He has said “seek My Kingdom first and everything else will be added on to you,” and He is a faithful God.

Bible study has become a fundamental need for me. The more I read and meditate upon the Scripture, the more clearly I see the truth. I need the Church more and more. It is where I belong, am nourished and grow. I depend on my Christian brothers and sisters. I can trust them with all my heart.

Also, I learned to care for others, like Jesus cares for me. I learned to forgive. When I’m about to get angry at someone, I can pause and tell myself: “forgive as the Lord forgave you.”  Having received this wonderful salvation from Christ, with thankfulness, I now have a desire to share the good news of the Gospel with my non-believing family and friends. I want to be used by God as a source of blessing to others. I used to be very afraid of being rejected by others, but much less now. I have tried reaching out to non-believers around me and they don’t necessarily buy it. But that’s fine! Just thinking how Jesus my Lord was once rejected by the world, I gain the courage to try once more.

Christianity, after all, requires faith. I can’t find 100% certain evidence to prove it, nor do I think anybody ever will. However, the longer I live it out, the more I believe it is true. Just as C.S. Lewis said, “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” I feel so blessed that God has chosen to reveal to me the light of truth.

Let me conclude with Galatians 2:20, my favorite verse in the Bible: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God.”