Fear not

Submitted by Vicky…  (Vicky is right in the middle, with the blue / purple wrapped flowers)

I grew up in Taiwan and from an early age, I was used to burning incense on holidays and following various local customs.  I was not sure whether God actually existed.  But I was told growing up that when we do something wrong, we would get punished by these deities; when necessary, we just need to pray earnestly and kneel, and then our wishes would come true.  Yet, personally, I never really seriously considered the existence of any God or deity because I felt like they had nothing to do with my every day life.  Even though my parents had become devout Buddhists, I was not moved by their faith because I could not agree with their belief that our present life is a payback of our previous life. Even if it were true, I did not want the pressure of doing good deeds in my present life for the sake of my next life.  The older I got, the more I believed that only I could control my own life in this world, and the only person that I could trust and rely on is myself.

From elementary to junior high school, I tried hard to become a good student in the eyes of my teachers, a good friend in the eyes of my classmates and a good kid in the eyes of my parents.  So I studied hard, was kind to my classmates, and tried not to make my parents angry.  I thought that as long as I could maintain this lifestyle, and not trouble anybody else, I could live a smooth life. I took pride in my ability to play each of these roles well. Looking back, many people probably did not know that I was wearing this mask because I always responded to other people’s requests and helped everyone to the best of my abilities and hardly ever had any conflicts with anyone.  Even though in the eyes of others I had a really good temper and was very helpful, they did not know that in my heart, I never trusted my relationship with any of them.  Because I believed that the world’s valuation of a person depended on how much he/she could contribute to others, whenever someone wanted to approach me, I thought that must mean that he/she wanted to get something from me.  That was the same way I treated others as well.  I pleased them because I wanted them to accept me or like me.  At that time, I was full of contradictions: I looked happy, but my heart was really dark; I looked sociable, but I did not have anyone that I could truly trust; I thought I could have a good life by myself, but I also hoped to have someone who could truly accept me.

My junior year in college, my English teacher Phil Choi asked me and my roommate to come to Friday Night Plus.  From the beginning, he asked us how we felt about Christianity and Christians.  In all honesty, I did not know much about Christianity.  Strangely, I told him that I thought Christians did not make any sense because they always scare people by saying that we are all sinners and if we do not believe in God, we would go to hell or they just believe that after believing in God, many wonderful things would happen.  Even more strangely, Phil did not look unhappy or argue with me after hearing what I said.  He only told us that if we are disappointed after we go, then he would not push us again, and he reassured us that we would experience something very different.  So, in a few days, we came to our first Friday Night Plus.  During my first Friday Night Plus, I was shocked first by the free food because I thought that was too good to be true, and then by the warmth of the staff, who genuinely wanted to greet each new person, chat and get to know you without any ulterior motives.  At the moment, I really felt that it was very different but I did not know how to describe that feeling with words.  At that Friday Night Plus, I got to know Tiffany Su who sat next to me, and she invited me to join her and Joyce in making cards for Mother’s Day the next day.  After making cards, Tiffany and I exchanged phone numbers, and after that, I frequently went to Tiffany’s home for food and games and occasionally I studied there too.  I got very curious about the staff’s willingness to love unlovable college students such as us, and at the same time, I wanted to learn more about Christianity and find out more about this God.  So I decided to take Course 101.

During the 8 weeks, even though there was a lot of reading each time, the content was so true and persuasive as it seeks to introduce Christianity and the Bible from different angles.  After several sessions, even though intellectually I was already convinced that there was a Creator in this world, I did not think that I needed to become a Christian.  I did not think that I needed to be saved from my sin because I felt I had lived this life for 20+ years and I did not have any problems with it.  More importantly, I did not think that God would grieve if I refuse to repent.  In all honesty, at that time, I did not feel His existence.  But I did not know at that time that it was just my evasive maneuver.

During last year’s Thanksgiving Celebration, when we all got in a circle to share what we had to be thankful for during that past one year, I shared that before coming to Friday Night Plus, I thought people would be nice to me only because they wanted to get something from me, but after I got to know the staff, I realized that was not the case at all; it is possible to have genuine friendship between people, as I have experienced at Gracepoint.  I did not know why I said such strange things; I just felt like saying it.  At that time, Kaitlyn told me, “That’s alright.  We like you just the way you are.”  After hearing that, I felt embarrassed because I did not know who I really was; I always hid myself under a shell and lived my life to please others.  I tried to appear optimistic but inside I was actually quite needy and vulnerable.  Yet, I was surprised that someone would be willing to accept me just as I was. Gradually, I got really saddened by my fakeness, I realized that I employed different forms of fakeness to avoid the fact that I am a sinner, but when I actually tried to face reality, my true nature and heart turned out to be very ugly.

I felt helpless about this reality.  Then I remembered that in Course 101 and the Bible, Jesus was nailed to the cross because of our sin.  All we have to do is to confess our sins to God and repent and accept Jesus as our Lord to receive forgiveness for our sin.  But I was not sure whether I should do it and I could not imagine what would happen after I became a Christian.  I felt insecure and afraid of this kind of decision.  I struggled for sometime and I even wanted to run away again to avoid thinking about this question.  Then I read the course material for the last session of Course 101, in which there was a section titled “Fear Not,” I felt as though someone was speaking to me face to face.  I truly experienced how passionately God was looking for us, seeking every lost sheep.  No matter how long we have been lost, He has been using different ways to call us home, to confess to Him and repent, and to become His sons and daughters.  After that, I was not afraid anymore and decided to become a Christian and accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

After my decision to become a Christian, I realize that Christian life is not as scary as I expected.  On the contrary, I feel more at ease than any other time in my life.  I no longer need to be fake toward others like I did before, or be afraid that others would not accept me because I am not smart enough or not pretty enough.  In the eyes of God, everyone is precious and important.  At the same time, we all have our flaws and sin, and we need God’s forgiveness. I no longer had to pursue superficial things in order to please others as I did before.  I think I have already found the most precious – that is, God’s forgiveness and love.