A bigger God

Submitted by Noah…

I’ve believed in God my whole life.  From the moment I was conscious I was immersed in the church, and taught the message of the gospel.  I first “accepted Christ” in 4th grade at a Joyland retreat. That was the first time they ever put out an invitation.  Admittedly, I didn’t full understand the gospel.  I didn’t really understand what it meant to be a sinner; I knew in my head I was a sinner but I don’t think I ever really experienced what that meant, and why, as a sinner, I need forgiveness so badly.  I guess I made that decision simply because I felt I needed to; I knew, without a doubt, like someone knows two plus two equals four that God was real, and I saw that pretty much everyone else in my life was Christian, so without yet fully understanding I decided I needed to be Christian too.

My walk with God, as it is with any relationship, is a work in progress.  I don’t discredit that first decision in 4th grade, though I used to, because although I didn’t understand completely, it did come from a genuine desire to get into a relationship with Jesus.  I suppose my spiritual journey with God mirrors my own maturing, it went up and down with my hormones, with my level of understanding, with periodic fits of teenage rebellion and confusion.

As I’ve grown God has taught me more and more about himself. One specific way I’ve grown a lot is in my appreciation for the cross and my view of myself as a sinner.  I started to see how dirty and lost I was on my own, in my pride and lust and selfishness and desire for the world, and, more than that, I realized for the first time that I was helpless, in fact, to help myself, that I could not control my nature, and much as I tried I would fail again and again.  I realized that I absolutely need the cross, that apart from God’s grace I can do no good thing, and I realized that my sins were dirty and filthy and hurt God directly, and came into a greater appreciation, then, for God’s love for me demonstrated on the cross.

God has also taught me that the gospel cannot be stagnant, that the good news is urgent and everyone needs to hear it.  A big step toward this understanding came for me in 8th grade.  I went to a Christian school but I had one close friend who was not a Christian.  Through my relationship with him I was forced to grow a lot in my faith.  I read up on apologetics to answer his questions, I weeded out hypocritical tendencies (such as swearing) so as not to be a bad witness to him, and God grew my heart as I prayed hard for him and tried to help him work through his problems.

I am also learning more and more about the amazing transforming power of the gospel.  In middle school I witnessed several of my friends become Christians, and experiencing the joy of celebrating together these friends of mine that were so lost, but now were found helped me gain a greater appreciation for my own faith and the great urgency to share the gospel with everyone God has placed in my life.

Unfortunately I’ve got sort of a bad memory for these things but though I don’t remember many of the times and dates and who said what or who gave what message and the specific way it impacted me, I do know that throughout my life God, the faithful gardener, has been watering and pruning me and looking after my growth, God used my parents and my church to teach me about him, and my Sunday school teachers who patiently painted scripture out for me.  There are those youth leaders that bore with my attitude and rebellion and did the very unpleasant work of dealing with my pride as they tried to correct me and teach me how to live rightly.  There are the retreats, the times bonding with peers, that friend that prayed for me when I was struggling with lust, that time I was reading The Last Battle and my faith and yearning for heaven was rekindled.

In the Chronicles of Narnia there’s a part where Lucy returns to Narnia and meets Aslan again.  She says that he looks bigger, and Aslan says something along the lines of, “as you grow bigger, so will I.”  I think I’ve really experienced this in my life, with Christ.  Every year God grows bigger.  My faith becomes more important, the great commission more urgent, I see more and more what a sinner I am, and, as I do, I understand more and more just how amazing and precious the cross really is.

That old song from Joyland captures it the best, I think:

He’s changing me, my precious Jesus
I’m not the same person that I used to be
Sometimes It’s slow going, but there’s the knowing
That someday, perfect I will be

My heavenly father is real, and he loves me.  I trust that Christ Jesus died for me and rose again, and that I too, cleansed of my sin by God’s amazing grace, will rise with him on that final day and dwell in his house for eternity.  I can’t wait.