Submitted by Mike…Entering college I was a very firm naturalist. My father, being very well educated in natural sciences encouraged me towards learning more about the world around me and caused me to always take great interest in my science classes. As schools confidently taught about the theories of evolution and the big bang, I took these to be true. I saw no alternative to them. I believed we were all just purposeless beings, mass that gained intelligence by pure coincidence; that we had no goal except to just survive. It made sense then that little protozoa could evolve eventually into the variety of things we see today, the challenges to that theory never came up. My classes never brought up the unexplained parts of naturalism; nobody asked where all the matter that expanded in the big bang came from, or how a jump from molecules in the ocean to intelligent humans could occur. The only professing Christian I knew drank along with the rest of the party crowd, so I couldn’t imagine that he had found the truth. With no question against my firm belief in the scientific world and such a poor image of Christianity, I had no intention of ever exploring religion.
When I first arrived at San Francisco State, I was pretty nervous. In choosing to come here, I also chose to leave all of my friends behind. While I wasn’t a super popular guy in high school, I feared that starting over would mean seclusion in the dorms and meals eaten alone for some time. Even with this idea facing me, I was sure it would be worth it. If I left behind all the negative images people had of me, of being a rude, obnoxious bully, that I could create an all new positive image that people loved. I wanted to be the smartest, the most successful, the most loved, and I never stopped to question why. I didn’t realize that the time how big my ego had grown and how my pride was then controlling me. I couldn’t escape the negatives I was experiencing because they were coming from me, not the people around me.
The first week I had moved in, as I was standing in line for food at the dining center, the guy behind me said hello. He introduced himself as Erickson and told me he was hosting a get together at his house off campus. “An older man approaching me this soon after arriving?” I thought. Unsure of what he wanted and set to meet some other people that night, I skipped out on what ended up being freshmen welcome dinner. I had given Erickson my number while we were in line, and even though I had not shown up to his dinner, or the next two Friday night bible studies he invited me to, I kept receiving texts politely inviting me to come check the next event out, enjoy the free food and stay for some fun after. Eventually, feeling guilty about the effort he was putting in on my account, I gave in and went to bible study. It was a bit intimidating, walking in on such a large group of people when I didn’t know any of them, but everyone seemed friendly the food was good, and everyone seemed excited to meet me.
After dinner I wanted to sneak away but the same guilt that brought me in kept me around for the message, a description of us as people with all different masks. Going back to my room and thinking about what I had just sat through I wondered about what I had just gone to. Hadn’t I just gone to keep up the mask of a nice person in the first place? It was weird having a message actually apply to what I was doing and feeling. This wasn’t a boring long ceremony, and the people were all my age and genuinely seemed interested in learning more about God. The food was free and actually good, the message was interesting and easy to relate to. When the texts continued to come, I continued coming out. The messages became more and more in depth, challenging the sinful culture and beliefs we have all come to accept.
As I got to know the members better and they became the main group of friends I had in SF, the Friday nights became something I looked forward to each week and I started coming out regularly. At this point I still held pretty strongly to the naturalist theories, treating everything I was learning as just good moral teachings. I was trying to shape myself into a better person with their help without really paying attention to the stuff about God. The big change came with winter retreat. Hearing how God had worked in all of the peoples lives as they gave their testimonies made me really wonder if there was something to it? I knew that the things I saw in the world wasn’t ideal, but it’s not like dating, swearing, and drinking are as bad as murder. I could see how these activities could create a gap in relationships, and how putting up a mask would prevent you relating to others honestly; but how were these things really as bad as they were made to seem?
The messages through Samuel at the retreat really challenged me. I learned about the difference between God’s standard and my own, the difference between me being in the wrong whenever I was breaking His commands and the idea that my sinful lifestyle was okay as long as I didn’t commit a crime. Pastor Ed’s challenge for us to take the mask off and stop trying to make ourselves seem good really struck me. It brought me back to that first message and made me consider how I was holding a mask up even to my own eyes in denying that I was a bad person. I wasn’t sure what to do. I still had issues even believing that everything I was hearing was true, but I was beginning to see it play out in my own life. Seeing how my hurtful ways were causing me to push people away, how the reason I was never popular wasn’t because I was bad at sports or ugly, but because I was harboring bitterness and ugliness inside. It really became personal for me then, but I was unsure how I could follow still being such a weak believer, and still holding on to all that sin in my heart? The final Sunday of the retreat, with the message on fear, I was called to stop fearing failure and fear instead missing out on God’s plan for me. That was it, I had to take God seriously and see where it all went.
I desired to grow but without knowledge how, I was lost. I could now see the sinfulness but thought I might just have been a bad person, I didn’t see how it related to the bible or how I could learn the solutions to my problems from this ancient book, the bible, through the weekly messages on Friday nights. My answers came the following spring when the freshmen were offered to take Course 101. It was very helpful going through how we came to sin, explaining sin as breaking the tie we have with God and identifying us all as sinners, trying to live our own lives apart from Him. That really really got me as I had gone away to school to create an all new life for myself. I had been making decisions based around the goal of self reliance. The Course then went through how we can rely on the bible and the truth of God and his Word, and why we are given the bible as His word instead of him speaking directly, answering my question about the bible’s usefulness today. It really covered all of the bases, discussing our sinful nature as a very serious problem that we are unable to escape on our own and then learning about the cross, the resurrection, and how the sacrifice Jesus made for us frees us from our sin. I had come to terms with my sinfulness, that my nature was causing me to have serious relational issues and that I needed help to free myself from it, as the previous months of trying to apply the word as moral teaching wasn’t helping. I came to realize that I really needed help, and that Jesus, through his death offered a solution. Following him offered freedom from my ways and the instruction with which to build a new life.
I finally removed the mask and saw the real me for the first time. I wasn’t as perfect of a person as I had thought. I wasn’t being held back by others or forced to run obstacles, I was holding myself back and setting up my own obstacles. I had hatred and bitterness towards other people as well as a very critical eye for other people’s mistakes. I lacked compassion or empathy for others, I had very little emotional response and it caused me to be very cold. I had shut myself off to others and lacked love in my heart. Seeing the love that Jesus had for me even when I was like this was amazing. I couldn’t figure out why God would want to give so much for me when I had been so completely against Him just months before. I began to reflect back on all of the things that had brought me where I was. The decision to leave everyone I knew behind and come to San Francisco, the choice to go and check out bible study even though I had no interest in religion, and that I had been invited to do Course right after I had started actually considering the questions we were asked that first bible study about what our purpose in life was. While I had not been following God, He had been hard at work in my life.
When we were in the final week of Course 101, Edwin asked what was keeping me from making my decision, all I could think of were petty excuses. I was afraid to jump into Christianity, still fearing that I was not strong enough in faith or that I would fail. I feared I would just go back on the decision and turn my back on God if I made it without having fixed some of the problems first. I didn’t want to be a bad Christian constantly sliding back into my sinfulness; however, thinking back to the fear message of winter retreat, I definitely didn’t want to miss out on God’s purpose for my life. After talking with my leaders, I was reassured that we are all sinners. They told me that I am bound to fail on my Christian walk, but that it is okay because the love God has for us is unconditional, and that when we fall we are really able to experience the forgiveness and grace that He has offered us all along. I had nothing left holding me back, confident that the guidance of the community would be able to lead me through a personal relationship with God. I made my decision April 20, 2010 to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and start on my road to freedom from my sinful ways.
While I entered college, I did not intend at all on searching for God. I found Him thanks to His efforts, faithfulness, and determination to save me. I am very thankful that He placed such welcoming leaders and friendly members into this group that kept me interested and coming back as it allowed me to be exposed to His word and come to see all that He had done for me. I am very thankful for the direct work God has done in me to save me from my dark future and I am very excited to see where God takes me as he continues to work through me.
