Submitted by Joan…I was raised as the only child in my family with great care and with all my parents’ hopes put on me. From a very young age, I had a very big ego and knew that my destiny was to work hard to be the best. I strove very hard to be the best in every way and thought that I was living my life pretty well because I received many awards. Growing up, I saw my parents’ hardship in making a living, so I decided that I will get for myself a good life so that I do not need to strive to make a living. Sometimes I even dreamed about winning a big lottery so that I wouldn’t need to do anything and would never be worried or sad. At the same time, I saw my parents betrayed by their friends and relatives during my family’s hard times, so I became very self-protective. I was very self-centered and did not want to use any of my time or possessions for others. My parents used to help our relatives a lot, even though they have been betrayed before. I had a very big issue with them doing this, and always argued with my mother that she should not help them any more. I hated a lot of people. I always felt wronged. But at the same time, I was also very selfish that I did not even recognize my own selfishness. I thought that everyone should be selfish- then we could do our best to achieve the most of our goals without wasting time on others. I kind of knew the problems in my life strategy but I thought this was the way the world was- although this would lead to a terrible world.
I held very tightly onto the idols of career and relationships. All of my life depended on peace and security provided from these idols. Again and again I wondered why I could remember only few happy things in my life but all the sad things. Why nothing in life could give me happiness, nothing could satisfy me? I was very confused and thought my life was a journey of everlasting, lonely and meaningless striving.
Before coming to the US, I was striving so hard to gather all the ingredients that I need for my future career. Coming to the US gave me a chance to take a break from all the things I was clinging onto and all my worries for a while. Without all my daily distractions, I started to see the other side of my life. I received an email from one of the IGSM members inviting me to the Thanksgiving Service- the first church experience I had. During the service, the pastor asked us to think about what we should be thankful for about in the past year. I started to examine my life and realized that I had never been genuinely thankful for anything. Also, in retrospect, the wrong things I did in the past year became very clear and shocking to me. I found out that there maybe something wrong in my life that I needed to take a serious look at. Since then, I started to have a good impression of Christianity and opened my heart. But still, I saw the Bible as a book of wisdom and did not feel the necessity to believe in God. I took Course 101 out of the respect of my friend Sam- I said yes to her invitation because in my life I never wanted to reject people face to face.
The course material is a book about who I am, who God is and what our relationship is like. I was quite touched by how the material described our nature so deeply, and how it penetrated our masks and told us who we actually were. The material gradually led me to understand my “I” problem. Maybe if nothing had happened in my life at that time, I would not have responded to my problem so confirmatively, but I believe God really wanted to help me through the journey of realization, He placed the people and little things around me to show me how selfish I am. I made a decision to break up with my boyfriend because I thought he could not provide me a secured life, hoping the new environment can provide me new chances to pursue my “happiness”. I also had some difficulties in working cooperatively in the lab because I didn’t care about the convenience of others and always found excuses to protect myself- yet no one pointed it out before. But this time there is one good and very honest Christian friend who is also a senior graduate student in the lab helped me a lot by kindly pointing out my selfish deeds. These things added up so that I could vividly recognize the “I” problem. In retrospect, I am so thankful for these hard times that I took suggestions and the loneliness that made me think of what I had done to others.
I didn’t want to live in such an ignorant and selfish way anymore, I want to change my life. But who is God and how could I confirm his existence? What if the faith I had was based on a lie? My great confirmation was through answered prayers. God answered my prayers in a way to guide me toward him- although I did not pray for specifics. I prayed for less loneliness and guidance so He gave me friends in IGSM and at work -which all have helped me through the journey of realization. I prayed for help in changing my way of life and fighting against my sins, God has given me encouragement to help me sustain the fight while at the same time given me failures to let me realize my weakness and that without faith I cannot make changes by myself.
Through these experiences, I felt very close to Him and started thinking of becoming a Christian. But I was still lazy to face the truth that could change my life- because I didn’t want to add so many complexities in my already “messy/messed up?” life. I didn’t feel the necessity to accept the truth until I learned about Jesus. Once in course 101, Sam and Angela showed me the video that described that God sent his only son to save us. It is about a man who is in charge of operating a draw bridge. His beloved son was playing outside and noticed that a train was coming but the bridge was drawn up which would result in disaster. Unable to get the father’s attention, the son tried to put the bridge down but fell underneath the rail. In the last minute, the man sacrificed his son by lowering the bridge, crushing his son underneath the rail in order to save the people in the train- who did not have any idea of what is going on. After the most grievous moment for the father, the train passed by peacefully and the people on the train are living as usual in ignorance. This really struck me- after knowing the truth, how could I still live in ignorance? Instead, I need to repent to God for living for such a long time in ignorance and make a change in my life. I made the decision to become a Christian during IGSM winter retreat on March 21st, 2010. Although making such a decision is complicated in my life, it is important and very necessary. But actually, making such a decision is also easy, because it is out of the gratitude in the heart and it is about accepting an eternal truth- with the solid foundation, the decision is clear and simple.
Looking back, I was shocked by the degree of my selfishness. Every minute, I was thinking for myself. Every decision I made, I made for pleasing myself. I held on to my ego and wore masks in front of different people, so that the truth about me- the sin- was always ignored. In Matthew 16:25-26, it says “for whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? ” Now I know there is a God who loves us so much and has a certain expectation for us. I want to live my life to please God- who is eternal and faithful.
In Matthew 7, the wise man builds his house on a solid foundation, “the rain came down, the streams rose, and the wind blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock” I believe that Jesus is the solid rock that can hold me. Although life is still complicated and full of difficulties; there is more happiness than before.
After recognizing the love of God, out of the gratitude, I became stronger when facing the changes and hard times because I know what is eternal and most important.
Matthew 7:7 “ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” God’s promise is faithful and never changing. He sacrificed his only son to save us through his grace and mercy. God never fails on his promise and never gave me up. Through Jesus’ resurrection God gives me the hope for a new birth and eternal life. God’s faithfulness is confirmed in my life again and again, so that I know I have made the best decision of my life.
I thank God for his love for us. I thank God for putting up with all the sins I have committed. I thank God for his only son who died for us, who washed our sins with his blood, and gained eternal life thus giving us eternal hope. I thank God for every minute He has been with me. I thank God that He saved me from desperation and gave me a second life that is full of meaning.
