Why So Much Love?

Submitted by Mike…

Coming into Berkeley, I expected to learn and experience a lot of new things. Attending one of the top educational institutions in the world, I learned a lot (or at least, I think I learned a lot). And having spent my time with various people, I have definitely come upon a lot of new experiences. But my past four years has been defined by how I came to an understanding of God’s love for me and really experiencing that in the process of obeying him.

2 Kings 5: 1-2: “Now Naaman was commander of the army of the king of Aram. He was a great man in the sight of his master and highly regarded, because through him the Lord had given victory to Aram. He was a valiant soldier, but he had leprosy.”

Coming into college, I never would have thought that I would be where I am today. Four years ago, I was just a typical Korean nerd from Irvine with lofty dreams about the future. I thought that I could do everything and nothing was going to get in my way. This was my plan: I would get into Haas after two years, outperform all my classmates, work internships off to the side, graduate and get a lucrative job, get married and raise a happy family until I retire and die. I wanted to control my own life and call all the shots. I took course 101 my freshman year and the material quickly talked about sin and how it was the “I” problem. As I learned more about sin, I started to recognize it more in my life. I may have sounded and acted tough but really, I was insecure and unstable inside. I was worried about so many things regarding the future but was trying to hide it. There was so much sin lodged deep into my heart but I was too proud to admit it. I was just like Naaman who had everything under control on the external but he was sick with leprosy. I knew that I needed to be saved from my sins and that my life was meaningless without any kind of purpose. I was a really proud and selfish person who was only looking out for my own concerns. I had a lot of worldly values that I needed to work on getting rid of in my life and I was ultimately heading into destruction. This was when I was getting a glimpse of God’s love for me as I recognized that he was willing to forgive someone like me who had failed to obey him in the past. I decided to make my salvation decision at the winter retreat of my sophomore year recognizing that God loved me and forgave me of my sin and rebellion.

I experienced God’s love especially in senior year. There were a lot of personal struggles and issues that I was dealing with throughout my junior year and it all accumulated just before my senior year. I had sinned against God, my leaders and my peers. I got caught up in a lot of self-deception and I ended up lying to everyone regarding sins in my life. I hurt many people and I thought that I could never be forgiven for what I did. It was during this time that I was able to see myself a lot more clearly as sins that were lodged deep into the depths of my heart were exposed. I felt so ashamed and unworthy. I did not deserve to be called a Christ-follower and I misrepresented everything that this Christ-centered community stood for. I crossed boundaries that I know that I shouldn’t have and I thought that no one would forgive me. I would totally understand if they didn’t. I was a hypocrite, liar, deceiver who only brought pain and difficulty to peoples’ lives. Why bother with me at all? It would only be a waste of time for anyone to deal with me at this point, I thought. No one had to care for me anymore and I was expecting to be forgotten about.

The response that I received from the people in my life and God was not what I expected. Throughout this time, I was always asking God, “Why so much love? Don’t you remember what I did?” I broke trust and loyalty in the relationships my peers because of my sins. I betrayed every single one of them.  I was living in Dana House and I thought that it would be so difficult to be with my peers because of what I did. But instead of looking down upon me, I was loved that much more. Every time that I was depressed and drowned in self-pity, my peers were always willing to sit down and talk things through with me. When I needed prayer, there was someone who prayed with and for me. When I needed accountability, my peers were always sure that I would be firm to my commitments. I asked myself again, “Why so much love?” During this time, I was applying to jobs and I submitted over 200 resumes, received only 7 interviews and a countless number of rejections. There was a lot of suspense building up to that one job offer and when it finally came, it wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be. I know why: the day that I received my job offer was the same day as our last Dana House dinner and more than gaining a job, I was saddened by the fact that I would be leaving the brotherhood I experienced in that house. As we were sharing our memories from the past year and the things we learned and experienced while at the house, I couldn’t help myself from tearing up. Despite how I had betrayed each and every single one of them, I received so much mercy, grace and love from all of them. I still remember the day when I asked them for their forgiveness and how each of them embraced me and forgave me. “Why so much love?” What have I done to deserve such a community of brothers?

I broke a lot of the leaders’  trust and I thought my relationships with them would never be restored. But my leaders did not let go of me and loved me that much more. They spent time with me to talk things through, went on prayer retreats with me, property corrected me, desperately prayed for me, and led me into the direction of repentance. I deserved to be left abandoned but instead, my leaders accepted me as the wretched sinner that I am and loved me under their care. “Why so much love?” What have I done to deserve such loving leaders?

Because of my past sins, I felt unqualified to do any kind of outreach or ministry during this time. I really wanted to as my heart was with the college campus but I just felt that I could not because of how much of a mess-up I was. But my leaders and peers continued to consider me a partner in the kingdom work we were doing together on the Berkeley campus. I was amazed as to how much my they trusted me to be a part of the great work we were doing on this campus. As we were trying to love and pray for the freshman, I really got to experience how God could use wretched sinners like me to carry out kingdom work. “Why so much love?” What have I done to receive the privilege of serving in God’s kingdom? And it has been such a joy this past year to see God working in the freshman guys. I have been so blessed by them and truly God is transforming their lives as they struggle through their sins. Before I left for Winter Break, I received a thank you card from them and all of them signed it thanking me for the past semester. Although it was only one card and a small act of appreciation, I could not keep myself from tearing up. I found myself reading through the card over and over again and could only ask God, “Why so much love?”  What have I done to deserve such blessing and joy in my life? I would struggle with God saying to him “God, I don’t deserve this, I really don’t. I am unworthy of all of this.”

I felt so unworthy of such mercy, grace and love from God. It was hard for me to accept God’s forgiveness. I thought to myself that it couldn’t be that easy. No one would let me go without any kind of punishment. But this is the love that I experienced from God. Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” I never knew that I could be loved so much and it was when I embraced God’s forgiveness that I truly understood and experienced God’s love.

As I am about to graduate and finish my time at college, what I am going to take with me is my personal experience of God’s love. I have changed a lot since my freshman year but it wasn’t due to my own ability and willpower but it was by God’s mercy, grace and love.