Submitted by Janet…
Now that I’m ending an important chapter of my life and reflecting on the past 4 years, I can see how God has changed my life and has directed me to a better path. I first came into Berkeley excited for my new independence away from my parents and ready to make new friends and have that good college life. Moving into the dorms sounded so exciting: having roommates who I can constantly talk with and just chill with. I really wanted close friends who really knew me and who I really knew. Unfortunately, I did not understand what it took to for people to really know me. A lot of things prevented my getting close to people: mainly my own laziness and my default nature of being unreflective. My goal was to do as little as possible. There were times I would close the door to my room and pretend to be sleeping to avoid chatting with my floor-mates. Such laziness led to my being un-relational because I wasn’t willing to put in the hard work that comes with building relationships nor was I willing to participate in the rubbing of lives that result in deeper connections. I kept people at a distance and didn’t even realize it. Ironically, I felt left out a lot because I expected so much out of relationships when I put in so little time and so little effort.
Not only was I lazy, but I was also detached. Although I recognized my own apathy and disconnectedness through bible studies and messages, I was quick to forget and never really reflected on what God really meant to me. Any time I felt uneasy about my spiritual life, I would distract myself with media watching shows like like Grey’s Anatomy, movies, reading romance novels, watching anime, manga, and playing all sorts of video games like final fantasy or play w/ play station, guitar hero, wii. I just wanted to have fun and be comfortable; so the best way to do that was to ignore everything else. It wasn’t until winter retreat freshman year where I heard about God’s faithfulness and the love he has for us that I made my decision to commit my life to Jesus; however, I really didn’t understand what it meant to be a Christian. So although I made my decision, there was no change in my life.
Then came sophomore year. I lived with other girls who attended Gracepoint. It was the first time to live in such close proximity to people I wasn’t related to and we all had different defenses up. Half of us were passive-aggressive about things and the other half just didn’t care. I couldn’t stand the tension in the apartment, so I stayed out as often as I could by studying at the library or playing games at Anime club. Even after the 2008 winter retreat where I felt convicted again to give God my entire life and not slices of it, I never put my words into action. The following spring semester I reached a spiritual drought and found myself not caring. I might have done DT three times the whole semester and found excuses to not go to prayer meeting, bible study, or after bible study activities. As sophomore year progressed, I also found myself more and more hardened to my sins of laziness, lust, and selfishness and content with my minimal level of commitment to God. I lived in this bubble and my laziness had consumed my character into a slothful, dishonest, unreflective, and apathetic person.
The summer of 2008 was a major turning point for me. The tension in our apartment resulted in a roommate moving out and I wondered why I was so unhappy over the situation. And at the same time, I was frustrated with the lack of change in my life even though I made a decision my freshman year. So I became resolved to take my faith more seriously because I saw how detached I had been. I decided to take the free time I had that summer up here at Berkeley to root myself in God’s Word. I committed to being more mentally and physically involved in church and doing DT more regularly.
Through that time, I experienced how having a community of faith is crucial in providing the support and accountability I needed. It revealed the problems in how I related with people, and how my laziness made me focus my attention on myself and not on God. My leader pointed out the fact that I needed to repent for keeping God at arm’s length. The sad part is that I was shocked because I hadn’t seen it that way and I actually thought I was okay. However, the only reason why I felt “okay” was because I was keeping God at a distance, forgetting things very easily and not reflecting on my actions. I saw the depth of my sinfulness, that my main identity is one of a sinner, truly wretched before God. I re-evaluated how I viewed God. Did I view Him as my Creator, my Savior, my Lord? Yes, I did. But I realized that at the same time, I had this barrier that prevented me from wanting to get to know God more and to build a personal relationship. I had forgotten that Jesus died on the cross for my sake and I struggled with the fact that He loved me and I needed to return that love. All my acts of selfishness and pride hurt God, the father who celebrates the return of His prodigal son. So that summer I re-committed my life to God.
It was in junior year when God changed my heart on how to view community and my part in God’s larger narrative. I really caught the vision of our church especially after the Mon-Saturday series, junior discipleship, and through Church 101. Christianity became an active life rather than the passive religion I thought it to be: actively putting other people’s needs before mine, actively fleeing from evil desires, actively pursuing righteousness. The only way for me to get closer to others was to tear down my barriers and get past my comfort level of laziness. I’ve found that with every time I get up out of my bed to chat with my roommates or eat lunch with someone I get to know people on a different level than when I had in my freshman year. Sharing during DT is hard at times since I’ve been so unreflective before but the more often I do DT, the more the Bible teaches me about how I need to honor my relationships and not use laziness as an excuse to not take up my cross. Like it says in 2 Timothy 2:3, 10 “Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus…If we endure, we will also reign with him” I needed to learn to endure hardships, pain, and life because if I continued to ignore my surroundings I wouldn’t be able to live a life of faith since I would continuously be running away. Like a soldier, I needed to train my body and overcome my slothfulness with diligence and the love of Christ.
Just this past year has taught me so much more and has cemented the fact that I need a community so that I can flourish under God’s truth and protection. When I confessed a sin in my life that I had been struggling with, I got to experience God’s love, forgiveness, and grace through my small-group. For the first time in my life, I felt that there were people who knew all of me and I felt the richness and freedom in my relationship. I also had the chance to go on the Taiwan winter mission trip which pushed me out of my comfort zone as I reached out to people who didn’t speak English. I was also given the chance to lead Course 101 this semester, further solidifying my Christian foundations and teaching me to be faithful in preparing for course and how to articulate the gospel.
After these four years, I thank God who has watched over me and has spoken to me through all the messages and through my relationships. He has given me a community grounded in biblical truth that has drawn me out from the isolated state that my laziness and desire for comfort put me in.
