A New Sense of Community

Submitted by Francisca…

These past few days I meditated on what’s the most drastic way my life has changed because of God and it would be becoming part of His community.  Coming into college I was very withdrawn from the world, I was so used to retreating into books, my thoughts and my studies to drive the reality of my life away. I had been miserable for a long time due to mostly what seemed constant family problems and financial worries. My coping mechanism was to bottle things up and ignore as much as I could, to care less and it basically left me this shell of a person because I just wasn’t all there. There is now a strong sense within me that I’m not alone, that I belong, that I can feel at rest and be fully known and accepted.  It’s not so much about my steps of faith but about people’s faithfulness to me. God protected me in ways Ill probably never know, he brought many people into my life to be there for me, help me, and show me his love and care. I can only marvel at how God has led me all the way, and I’m filled with a sense of gratitude that I’m loved this much.

My first impression of our church was through Chris Gilling and David Tung who lived on my dorm floor freshman year. I had a general impression that everyone was really nice but it was through Chris and David that I had that first small glimpse of that a sense of community. They opened up their ‘home’ to us. That small dorm room with two loft beds and the futon and table where they drank tea and played board games. I appreciated their willingness to love us and give of themselves. Even simple things like coming over everyday and asking us how our day was, telling us jokes and helping us when we needed it. I remember Myra Dharma asking me questions to get to know me and even a simple thing like how my day was caused me to pause a long time because I couldn’t remember the last time someone asked me that and I didn’t know how quite to answer it. I didn’t talk much that year but I did try to listen. It was through small group times with Myra and Emily that I was able to express and think about those important questions such as the purpose of my life. It must have been difficult for Chris, David, Myra and Emily since all the effort for a relationship was all on their part I just showed up to things but never fully let myself feel at home in their presence.

That sense of being an outsider has carried over from my past and kept me from fully embracing my true identity and accepting grace and love from others. It’s not because the fact that I’m of a different race but I couldn’t see how my burdens could be understood and carried by others. I was too wrapped up in my own problems and hurt to ask for help and lean on others. However, it was through Pastor Ed’s messages and reading the bible that I was able to accept myself as a sinner and understand God’s love and began to trust him more. I started to take small steps of obedience to get out of myself and open up to others and was able to receive wisdom and love. I remember so many conversations with Emily, her countless prayers for me and her patience in helping me figure out what was wrong. I know she has loved me because of her faithfulness to God and because I was shown God’s love I too wanted to love others although it was hard for me.

Some of the greatest points of clarity have come from my interactions and conversations with others as I tried to sort out my struggles and emotions. It has been their voice of stability and truth that I learned to trust and recognize that they understood and wanted to help me. It has been dt sharing with peers and their stories from how they tackled their own pride or insecurities. Its meeting up at a café to talk with a peer during a time when I was so full of self pity over my family’s brokenness and her telling me you know you’re not the only broken family in the world and also reminding me how lucky we are to live in America. Its been confessing to my leader how frustrating it is to struggle over the same things over and over again and lamenting over my wrong motives or major character flaws and her leading me to the word of God and giving me practical advice and prayer. There have been so many conversations like this that helped me to finally act and move forward in my faith.

One of the hardest yet life changing struggle this year has been growing in my relationship with others. As I was finally able to live with peers, (8 to be exact) and getting to know more peer sisters I recognized the absolute importance of sharing what’s going on in my life. What is going on in my heart and in my mind because life is hard and there is always something to talk about. I have prayed much more this year not just for myself but for others, and in the process of opening up my life I’ve experienced being immersed in theirs and having a greater sense of fellowship as sisters in Christ. All the perceived differences and assumptions I made now seem so small and petty. Yes we are very different but what draws us together, is our love for God and the desire to be discipled and serve him. I struggled a lot this year with letting down my guard because I was trying to protect my heart and trying to act very competent. I had to learn to be a lot more honest rather than letting insecurity paralyze me from being known.

Spending time with my peers and engaging in conversations was what finally brought change. It was through many late night conversations when we talked about how the word of God spoke to us or shed some light on our past and the struggles we are dealing with now. I recognized now that Pastor Ed’s messages pierced me so often because of the universality of emotions and scars from sin. We all know how it feels to be hurt, misunderstood, judged, angry, frustrated, disappointed and burdened.  Our experiences may be very different because sin might manifest itself in so many ways but at the core the root issues are similar. I am a sinner in need of grace as much as everyone else.  After all the time I spent together with my peers I felt so much more comfortable, simple things like cooking random meals and making fun of each other to asking for help and a willingness to listen and pray that I found that sense of ownership for one another grow. I’m sure God brought my peers and I for a reason and I see now I had been missing out on the powerful strength of our relationships. They can be the voices of comfort and love, of truth and correction if I let them in my life. I can’t recount the ways they have shown me patience and care time and time again.

During the recent disciple retreat Pastor Ed gave some applicable advice that I wished I had understood a long time ago. He said just because someone doesn’t understand you doesn’t mean they can’t give you good advice. This helped me because I always struggled with feeling misunderstood. He also commented that its through relationships you can conquer sins. Your kidding yourself if you think you have the willpower to say no to sin but its that bond from relationships that stems from being committed to people and the shared history that will bring you back when you are tempted to sin. I had perceived relationships and struggling with sin in two different categories instead of viewing it as integrated Christian life. I felt so encouraged to continue my struggle to be fully committed to others and make them part of my life. I feel more than ever now that this is the place God wants me to be. I can let my burdens down and finally rest no longer so fearful of being seen as a sinner or getting hurt or ‘not fitting in’ but looking forward toward the life God has called us to live. I finally understand the heart cry of God he mentions so much in the Old Testament, “You will be my people and I will be your God.” Indeed we serve a great God and there is no other way I want to live but deeply rooted in community, filled with a greater sense of identity as God’s people.