Submitted by Tony…
I was born into a Christian family. My grandmother, deep in her faith, led us all to church every Sunday. Both my parents were baptized in this church; My mother joined the choir and my father became the general affairs manager. So even though I wasn’t the pastor’s son, I was probably just as involved in my church. I grew up in the church, becoming familiar and comfortable with activities like vacation bible school, Sunday afternoon prayer meetings, and Friday night youth group. I knew the bible stories and I knew the memory versus, but there was one problem. I didn’t know God. I didn’t understand what being a Christian meant and what it entailed. I thought in order to go to heaven all you have to do is go to church every Sunday and read the bible. In retrospect, I feel that in these years of my life I had my ‘faith’ spoon fed to me, and thus never had a chance to really contemplate and discover it for myself. I went to church for social reasons and family pressures. I read the bible and did quiet time because my youth leader told me to. I went on retreats out of peer pressure. I was a surface level Christian and my faith was a deception to others.
Then I entered high school, and my spiritual life got even worse. In my sophomore year I took a European history class, and in it we discussed the origins of Christianity. It was only then that I began to question my faith and my reasons for going to church. I came to the conclusion that I had no good reasons for being Christian, and that the Christian life style was full of hardship and struggle with no room to enjoy life. I felt like this whole time by going to church and doing the activities I was lying to myself, not being true to who I was. I wasn’t a Christian, and nor did I want to be. I decided that I was too young to be bogged down my Christian ideals and that I wanted to experience and enjoy life.
School became boring and unchallenging, so I got involved in the party scene. Every Friday and Saturday night I would go out with friends to someone’s house or to a club to get drunk in order to ‘have fun.’ This kept up for a couple months, but eventually I began to feel empty inside. I began to question if all this partying was really fun, or was it just what the world was telling me to do to enjoy life. I felt lost, my life meaningless. I finally realized that the point of life was not to pursue pleasure and build an army of acquaintances. It was around this time I had to decide where to go for college. Originally I wanted to go to an unchallenging college so I could have fun and not worry about my studies, but I realized that that was a stupid idea and I was sacrificing my future for temporary highs.
With the pressure of my parents, I chose to go to UC Berkeley. After I turned in my intent to register form, I began getting mail from various organizations on campus. As I sifted through them I noticed that they were all Christian organizations. I felt that God was calling me, so I promised myself that I would look back into Christianity and that no matter what happens, when I get to Berkeley, I will check out a few fellowships.
That summer I read many Christian books and the bible in an attempt to understand what Christianity really was, but it was difficult doing it on my own and I didn’t feel comfortable going back to my old church. As I read through the bible, The Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity, among others, I came to realize for the first time that I had been leading a sinful life. Before, when reading the bible, I always felt that it wasn’t very applicable to me. I had never murdered, or committed adultery, or other ‘serious’ sins, thus I felt I was doing ok. However, the bible made it clear to me that I am a sinner, since sin is sin; it is all thoughts and actions that take me away from God. So there is no such thing as small and big or harmless and harmful sin, it is all me being selfish and wanting to control my life instead of submitting it to God. My eyes were really opened and I recognized how much in need of a savior and forgiveness I was, how despicable a creature I was. Isaiah 53 says “Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him and afflicted. But he as pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” After reading and meditating on that passage, all my intellectual understanding of the cross and the gospel finally penetrated my heart. I don’t ever remember a time when I didn’t believe in God, but he had always been a far off, distant and aloof record keeper who I did not allow to affect any part of my life. But Isaiah 53 made everything real. The weight of my sins, God’s relationship with me, and Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross suddenly became far too personal to ignore anymore. Most importantly the passage made clear to me the pain God suffers because of my sin. Taking to heart that God actually gets hurt by me helped me to finally frame our relationship as one that matters, as one that deeply affects both me and him. My entire life was consumed by sin, and without a true relationship with Jesus, I would continue to be destructive and seek out temporary highs to make me happy instead of drinking from the fountain of life and being satisfied. Without a true relationship with Jesus, I would continue to wander through life, not sure if I’m supposed to chase the world in order to be satisfied. So I asked Jesus Christ to be my personal king and savior of my life. The whole summer was very humbling for me, and I came out really wanting to live a life for Christ, but not really sure about how to do it. I needed guidance and fellowship because I couldn’t do it on my own.
When welcome week rolled around, I went to Calapalooza and wrote my name down on nearly every Christian organization I found interesting or suitable. Then during the next week or two I attended welcome meetings and bible studies to try and find a fellowship I liked. Some I went to were purely social with nearly no spiritual aspect, while others were too spiritual and I felt scared off because I wasn’t on their level of faith. Then finally one of my friends from high school asked me to go with him to ABSK welcome night. I met a lot of guys that night and really liked the message, skit, and worship. I decided to attend more of the meetings, and the rest is pretty much history.
As the school year progressed, so did my faith and understanding of Christianity. Pastor Ed’s messages not only gave me the theology of Christian faith, but also the practicality and how to apply it to life. Then, in the spring, I took Course 101, which showed me a systematic, logical, and scientific approach to Christianity, filling in most of the ‘black spots’ that I had like why would a merciful God allow bad things to happen to good people or why he sends us to hell if he loves us so much.
I think the greatest thing that Christ has given me besides salvation is a purpose for my life. Before Christ I sort of drifted through life, unsure if I was supposed to work hard at building a career, at building a reputation, or chasing worldly pleasures. But now Jesus’ will for me is clear: to love others as I love myself. In my 4 years at this church, I’ve really learned what it means to serve and live for others, and its more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. I’ve also learned what the meaning of fellowship is, both with others and with God. I always thought fellowship was just hanging out with people and taking a break from the more spiritual stuff like sermons and DT, but fellowship actually encompasses the entire Christian life. Fellowship in sharing, fellowship in hard work, fellowship in song, dance, and shamelessness, fellowship in food preparation, fellowship in the word, fellowship in love and sacrifice; these are all things that God has revealed to me in my short time as his follower. This new life in Christ is not easy, and the constant struggle against my independence and selfishness has been discouraging at times in my walk. But I know that Christ who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until his day. Living with my peers at “Pac-house” and serving in Joyland are things I am still surprised I can pull off, but I know it’s because of God’s grace that a sinner like me can part take in his glory.
