Putting God back in the picture

Submitted by Tabby…

Because both my parents were Christians before I was born, I started going to church ever since I was born. So I grew up learning all the stories in the Bible and who God, and I heard the story of the gospel many times. But I never really believed that any of it was true, I never believed the things that happened in the Bible really happened. The bottom line is I never really took anything I learned seriously.

Since everyone I knew were Christians (all the aunties and uncles, my Joyland teachers, my parents, and the older kids who I looked up to) and I was constantly surrounded by them, I tried to fit in by trying to be a “good girl.” This meant listening to my parents, being well behaved, and not being rude to adults. This was my way of trying to fit in, since Christians are supposed to be good people, I should try to be good too. So trying to behave well and please people by what I did and making sure they weren’t ever mad at me was my goal.

Trying to make sure everyone was pleased with me was difficult because I always had to be aware of what everyone was thinking about me. I was always nervous, wondering whether they were happy with me or upset with what I’ve done. It got really tiring though, always trying to be happy for people and trying to be what they wanted, but I didn’t know what else to do, so this remained my goal.

When my first FTS retreat came, I went with one goal in mind: to become a Christian. I only wanted to make the decision to accept Christ because I thought my parents, my friends, and everyone else I knew would be really happy with me. I even went to the retreat with that goal in mind, and that no matter what, I would come back from the retreat having become a Christian. So I didn’t care what it really meant to be a Christian, I just wanted to be labeled as a Christian, to be considered one, so that I could fit in with everyone else in church. So that summer at my first FTS retreat, I made the decision to become a Christian, both because I wanted to please everyone by making this decision, and also because I felt I could see how the messages applied to me.

As time passed, especially when I got into youth, I began to see what being a Christian really meant. Just by seeing the way some of the older youth students were living their lives out as Christians, and seeing how seriously the teachers took everything, I saw that Christianity was something really serious that I couldn’t treat so lightly like I had been doing. Through the messages on Friday nights I understood more that being a Christian was more than just a label – it meant actually living something out, deciding to live my life according to the way God wanted me to live. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was a sinner, and I would hear that as I grew up, people saying all the time that everyone is a sinner, no matter how good they may seem. But I was too scared to admit that I was also a sinner because I was afraid of what people would think of me, and I didn’t want them to see me as a bad person. Over time, after hearing repeatedly from Bible studies and messages that I need God to save me because I have sinned, as I thought about this, I realized that I finally had to admit I too was a sinner because there were things that I was doing that I knew were wrong.

I was constantly trying to seek the approval of others, making sure that everything I did was okay with them and that it didn’t make them mad at me. Every decision I made was based on whether or not it would make people happier with me, or angry with me. While trying to make sure people were happy with me, I would also compete with the people around me, specifically my friends. Since there are many opportunities in this church to help in many different areas such as making costumes for JCC, designing posters on photoshop, or recording songs for TC, I wanted to excel in every area possible. Whenever my friends signed up to help with some activity, I would sign up too because I didn’t want people’s impression of my friend to be better than their impression of me. Whenever my friends proved to be more computer smart than me, I would get really angry at them and treat them very mean. This jealousy problem caused me to hate my friends and treat them unfairly.

Because I was treating my friends in a bad way, we had to talk together with an older sister who told me that I shouldn’t complain about the way I am, the way God made me, because the way He created me is the way He wanted me to be, and He loves me just the way I am. This caused me to see that not only by trying to be someone other than the way God made me, but also by wanting to gain the approval of people and completely pushing God out of the picture, I was hurting God. By choosing to seek the approval of the people, I had no intention of getting to know Him or do anything to do with Him. I had hurt God by His own creation not wanting to have a relationship with Him or have anything to do with Him. So I was grateful that God would be willing to forgive me and would still want to have a relationship with me even after not wanting to know or care about what He would want me to do, and grateful for the forgiveness and salvation I could receive through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. But this happiness started to fade, and I kept wondering why I was not fully happy again. Even though I had heard this message so many times throughout my life, be it through Bible studies, retreats, small group discussions or my friends, I somehow managed to miss a crucial part of what being a Christian is: having a relationship with God. I couldn’t believe I had failed to apply it to my life! I had totally forgotten about it but then I recalled all those times people had emphasized that being a Christian means having a relationship with God. All this time I thought I new what being a Christian was just because I grew up in the church. Whenever they did explain what it meant to be a Christian, I would just not listen thinking “I already know this so I don’t need to listen”.

At first I was a little skeptical as to whether or not I would be happy being a Christian – would it be something I would come to regret later on in life? As this doubt lingered in my mind, I came across a verse in John 14:6 which says “Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me.’” Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life which means the only way to live my life is for God – there is no other way! God created me to live a life not apart from Him, but with Him, in a loving relationship with Him. Living my life in submission to Him is the way God meant for me to live, and according to the Bible is the only way I can truly live. Apart from Him I will have to live my life in constant insecurity, afraid of how people see me and trying to please them. I will have to live in hell for the rest of an eternity apart from Him. So I decided to give my life to Him. This life may not always be happy, but this is the life my loving Creator made for me to live.

After making Jesus the Lord of my life, many things have changed. My focus is no longer on trying to build my self image, but on trying to do what pleased God. Giving my time up to whatever I could help with in the church, not spending time on the internet looking at clothes, not talking inappropriately. Also spending time developing my relationship with God by praying, reading the Bible, and doing DT. He is now the foundation of what the decisions I make are based upon.

Living my life in a relationship with God gives me peace, peace from the guilt of my sins, peace from worrying about what people think of me, and I can rest in knowing that He loves me just the way I am, just the way He made me, and I don’t have to try to earn His love. Instead being constantly nervous, making sure people are happy with me, I have a much more meaningful purpose in life of serving God. But I wouldn’t be able to live this life in Christ if not for His sacrifice on the cross for me. I am so grateful for God’s willingness to send Jesus to die on the cross for me and His forgiveness for all my sins. I am grateful for His grace that enables me to have a relationship with Him and be able to take a part in His work even though I am so broken. Even though it will be a hard life and I will face many challenges and difficulties along the way, I know that this is where I am meant to be, and God will be with me through it all.