Submitted by Steven…
Growing up, I only knew of two things: to be successful in life and to find happiness. I believed that in order to get through life, we need to be “strong”: strong against the tragedies that happen in your life, strong against things that can put you down, and strong against the possibility of being involved with any form of trusting or loving. There cannot be love, there cannot be sorrow, but just simply a forward-thinking attitude to live for tomorrow. Growing up in an environment where mortality is just a volcanic eruption or typhoon away, I did not believe in a religion that can ease all the pain of loss. I learned to be stoic and to not be affected by the emotions of life–because that would simply drag us along the way. I learned how to move on, to do your best in all that you can do and to not involve myself in anything that does not benefit me. My family considered Christianity marginal so that I can go to an exclusive Christian school in the Philippines in hopes of getting a recognizable place in society in the future. I knew from then on, I did not belong in this place, because everyone carried a highly-cultivated demeanor, representative of their affluent family backgrounds. I was simply a son of a cook and an office clerk.
I believed that if you want something out of life, you gotta go and get yourself. I did not need anyone telling me what I need to do, because in my mind I was not doing anything wrong. As long as I got everything that I wanted, it was all fine. Yet, despite all of that I’ve gain from the world, there’s something definitely wrong with my life. Every morning while I lay awake–times when I was alone–I felt very lonely. There was such an empty void in my heart. I felt like something was missing. I wanted to go back to the default setting: “go get it yourself.” I sought to fill that void in my life in the coming years.
Eventually, my family decided to send me to California to live with relatives, whom I had never met and replant myself there. At 13 years of age, I’ve only seen English in the context of media, and the idea of a God was just starting to sink into my life. Having never met most of my extended relatives, I didn’t think they would care about me at all. Deep inside, I cried, but I knew I had to be strong. I knew I just have to put myself together and put my life together so that I can one day prove to them that I am worth something. I knew that all this bitterness and pain will ease away as long as I accomplish a lot of things in life. I set my sight to doing well in school, in my work, in everything. I learned how to plan ten steps ahead of time to get what I wanted. I learned to fill out my parent’s income tax, apply for 100 scholarships to not have to pay for college, to read two books a week to master my English, to work three jobs so that I do not have to depend on my relatives incomes, to do every single community service activity to get into college, to run 10 miles a day to forget about my life, to take every single hard courses at school, to not depend on anyone so that I can be respected, to not befriend anyone to devote all my time to work, to calculate my life expectancy, to figure out how I am going to die with ease, to not get into anything that did not involve my getting something in return. Yes, I became successful. It felt great to fan the flames that were chipped into my heart. I maximized everything and made every single pragmatic effort to make use of every area of my life, being driven by my bitterness towards life. But deep inside I always had an empty feeling that flow through me intermittently. I started to develop a hard shell towards others and the people that tried to show friendship. I hated God, I hated my life, I hated the people around me. I became a rebel. A rebel without any cause. I felt lost. I did not feel like I belonged anywhere. And to make things worse, my grandmother, who was my source of hope at that time, became ill and soon passed away.
Coming to college, I wanted to escape from my past life. To start anew. I did not want to do anything that deals with relationships, giving to others, and especially God. I became so embittered by my past life, that I just wanted a life on my own, shut away from the distresses of this world. The last thing in my mind was to seek God. But, I soon encountered two people that became my future small-group leaders. One of them would always call me to invite me to Wednesday night dinners and Friday night Bible study and sports nights. But, it always left me so confused and apathetic. I would always ask myself: “Why the waste? Why the waste of their time spending it with college students like me? Why don’t they just spend it on living their lives in comfort since they’ve already graduated? That’s what I would have done.” Rubbing lives with them melted me. For how they lead their lives put to shame my selfish, bitter lifestyle.
My defining moment came during the winter retreat, as Pastor Ed gave a message on pretenses and masks quoting the Matthew 5:21-23 (“Not everyone will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that, ‘Lord, Lord,’ did we not prophesy in your name, and in you name drive out demons and perform many miracles? Then, I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!” This was solidified during devotional times on I Corinthians 1:13 (“if I give what all I possess to the poor…, but have not love, I gain nothing”), I realized that without love and without confessing to God who I really am and become pierced by His word, I am simply like a chaff being blown away by my wickedness and sinfulness (Psalm 1). And then, the SWS messages began to speak directly to my heart each week. Shaking it off as coincidence, I came to the following week’s message. I thought, “This can’t be. This pastor does not know me and yet he speaks of things I struggle with.” So I gave it one more shot, I went to the next week’s message and the week after that. Pastor Ed gave a message during Easter Service, on how God has reversed the destruction that sin has brought in humans through Jesus. I thought, “He knows my heart. He knows my pain. He knows my emptiness.” But, I realized that it was the Holy Spirit speaking to me, beckoning me: “Come just as you are. I know the trials you’re going through. I know the sins of your past and all the emptiness of your soul. I love you just as you are. Fix your eyes upon me, and I will fill that void within your heart and give you hope, peace, and rest. Without your vertical relationship with the Lord, you are nothing. No matter how much the world sees you as successful.” I remembered that night I prayed a prayer of forgiveness. I felt the Holy Spirit cleanse me of my sins. I needed Jesus to come to my rescue that this world truly has nothing for me.
For so long, I had an intellectual understanding of my sinfulness and God’s gift of salvation, but I was so impatient and unfaithful that I did not let God’s word grow through me. From Matthew 13, I was the seed that fell on rocky soil, who simply hears God’s word but last only a short time and the seed on thorny soil that had choked God’s word with the worries of life. Until now, God’s been waiting for me patiently for me to realize this. The voices of accusation and condemnation that trouble me are silenced by Jesus’ cross, and it is done. Even though I am nothing to this world, but to Jesus I am everything; I am redeemed, loved, accepted, not alone, free, chosen, adopted, restored, enough, baptized in His blood, part of His family, and awesome in His way. And because of Him I live.
After becoming a Christian, I wanted to seek who this God I’ve been learning about really is and how He works through people in mission trips. Somehow, I saw my place in this world, as a Christian that lostness is really out there, everywhere. For the first time, I saw people not as just people functioning in this world, but as souls that need to know the Gospel. All the people around me became a chance for me to love, to drop my own self-seeking attitude, and speak from God’s heart. In serving God whether in ImpACT or in anything, I don’t have to ask myself why I have to always wrestle with my defeatist attitude and my unloving. It’s because it’s for Him, and what He did on the cross is more than enough for me. When I deserved to die in living a life of senselessness and ignorance, He died for me to save me. When I deserved the prosperity of the wicked, He drew me closer when my life was about to crumble, when I was so burnt out from living a life of senselessness that I just simply wanted to die. Being able to find joy in serving Him, I totally do not deserve, but He’s given to me. I’m humbled by the fact that God can use an outcast like me. My idols of success in this world will never pay-off, but the more that I release my desires and wrestle with my sins the more that I enjoy what God has planned for me. Psalm 73:25 “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. Jesus Christ is more than enough.
Wow, I never would have pictured your pre-college life like this.