Submitted by Anonymous…
In 1986, I was born in an ordinary family in Beijing. The baby boom in China culminated that year with more than fifteen million babies, which meant that I needed go through competition my entire life, including my education, career and marriage. I was trained to be highly competitive and believed in the saying “survival of the fittest.” During my childhood, I spent most of my time in reading history books and autobiographies related to Romance of the Three Kingdoms and the conquerors. The key point I learned from those books is that “the winner takes it all.” All of my life was concentrated on success, especially with my grades. My education precisely presented the process for me to gain success step by step. Based on my college entrance exam, I was enrolled into the best (engineering) university in China, Tsinghua, which is called the MIT of China.
When I was a freshman, I thought that the Tsinghua Diploma would guarantee me a good job and it was not necessary to fight any more. However, I was wrong; no one yielded to others at that point and the competition never seems to end until I lose. I made even more efforts than before: getting high grades, joining national competitions, doing an exchange program in Hong Kong and starting research. By my senior year, everyone considered me to be very successful: 9 out of 13 top U.S. universities granted me a full fellowship for graduate study; I had one national award and two publications on transportation; even more, I had the prettiest girl in our business school as my girlfriend. At that time, my pride culminated: I saw myself as my own god and believed I could control everything in my life by careful deliberation. Though I felt empty in my heart sometimes, though I felt guilty for having people become my stepping-stones toward success, and though I felt I should be humble, I comforted myself with this thought, “Life is just like the Chinese old saying, everyone for himself.” However, what is the meaning of my life? What is the destination of my life? Those questions puzzled me all the time.
Sharon and Shufei picked me up from SFO one year ago. I began to attend a variety of ISM activities since then, such as hiking, sports, BBQ, and eventually Course 101. At the beginning, my attitude towards our church was similar to as I was in Hong Kong- it was fun.
When I learned about sin, my life was totally changed. In Course 101, I learned the essence of sin: it is the “I” problem. Before coming to U.S., I believed in my personal autonomy over life and behaved just as I desired. My pride jeopardized the relationships with my friends, alienated myself from my own heart and most importantly, destroyed intimacy with God. The financial crisis also helped change my view. On the one hand, I met great difficulties in job hunting and I recognized my limitations. On the other hand, from this devastating economic crash, I saw how greedy those I-bankers were, how tragic those jobless families were, and how distorted our social systems were. In fact, I was exactly the kind of “cultured” person who had insatiable greed, unbearable envy, unspeakable intolerance and hypocrisy just beneath the thin surface of civility. Sometimes, I did wish I could pour out my pain and guiltiness to one who really understands me, but I was worried about being despised and losing all my friends.
It is the Lord who helped me in this predicament. I thought about becoming a Christian and set about to review the Course 101 materials again. At that time, I was lingering between acceptance and rejection. I wanted to change my life and submit to God, but I also doubted if there was really such a God who saw every sin but still forgave me. My Course 101 instructor helped me a lot when I was struggling in this decision, even though I tried to escape from God. He once told me that he helped me “more due to [his] commitment to God other than a commitment to [me].” If I heard that last year, I would have been offended; however, at that very moment, it was the first time to felt the existence of God and His work on me.
Afterwards in May, I graduated and my parents came to visit me. Though apart from our church, I had more time to think independently. In Hawaii, we visited the first church on the Big Island. It was austere and even crude. But when facing the big old wood cross in the front, I was reminded by my countless sins, such as jealousy, dishonesty, timidity, greedy, and how our IGSM brothers and sisters cared for me because of their commitment to God. Even more, while we human beings are yet sinners, Christ died for us on the cross and died for a world that hated and despised Him. From that moment, I was convinced: It is in His death that I find forgiveness and in His resurrection that I find my destiny. I decided to convert to the Lord and devote my life to serve Him.
I began to read the Bible soon after. As mentioned before, I like reading historical books. The historical accuracy in the Bible, especially in New Testament, really shocked me. From this reality, I found God’s love: even though He had the power to avoid the cross, He allowed himself to be killed to pay for the wages of our sin. For me, the cross stands as a powerful testament for justice and affirms the Bible’s claim that indeed “the wages of sin is death.” At the same time, the cross is a powerful expression of Gods’ mercy, showing the extent to which God will go to forgive us.
As a Christian, I am so grateful that I could utter the truth about myself by confessing to God and repenting of the greed, envy, cowardice and other sins in my life. Repentance toward God is the foremost important thing in my daily life and it is totally based on my faith and commitment to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. In fact, it is not from myself, it is the most precious gift from God.
After conversion, I would love to follow Jesus’ instructions and try to obey my favorite verse in Mark 12- “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Though I am heading to Singapore to start my career, I will go back to China sooner or later, and really hope that I could spread the Gospel in my country. It is so sad to see my people have no belief and awe. A Chinese saying says-“the innocence fears nothing.” This is particularly true in today’s China. I sincerely wish to help my family, my friends, and more people to know the Lord. Through the process, I hope to become more mature and know more about our dear God. No matter what kind of hardship stands before me, no matter what kind of pain I am going to suffer, I want to maintain my great gratitude to God and stand firm as “he took up our infirmities and carried out disease” and let the Holy Spirit of God lead me forever.
