Empty –> Full

Submitted by David..

I was born and raised as a middle child in East Los Angeles and for the first five years of my life, I was the youngest in my family.  During these early years, I remember being heavily influenced by my older brother and sister as well as by the single television set my recent-immigrant parents could afford.  I trusted my older siblings and accepted everything they taught me to be worldly truths.   As I grew older, more and more of my values and thinking came from what I saw on tv and what I learned in school.  My parents’ values and religion also came to influence me more; my parents and grandparents grew up practicing ancestor worship and I was expected to do the same.  Despite this, they enrolled me in Sunday school at a nearby church (mostly because it also doubled as a Chinese school that charged the least in the area).

During Sunday school, I learned stories from the bible and was taught that God was the creator of everything.  However, my time in Sunday school did not teach me about what it meant to be a follower of Christ.  I experienced harsh punishment from Chinese Sunday school teachers and false teachings about salvation.  This came to characterize what I thought of Christians; unloving, harsh, and hypocritical people trying to impose their opinions on others.   As I had more interactions with Christians over my teen years and watched more tv, this view of Christians became more and more entrenched and my secular worldview became more and more secure.  I asked myself, “These so-called Christians are quick to judge, criticize, and exclude.  How can their God be a genuine God?”

I was highly critical of Christians throughout most of high school and it wasn’t until late into my junior year in high school that I decided to reinvestigate the claims of Christianity.  By the time I was to go to college, my heart was open enough for what was to come.  I didn’t know it at the time, but this was God’s way of guiding me towards Him.

One of the first people I met at Cal was Tom.  Initially, I thought he was a RA because he was so enthusiastic and willing to help us move into the dorms but I later found out that he was a super senior.  I thought it was weird that someone much older, who could be living in the apartments, chose to live in the dorms with a bunch of freshmen.  Only after Tom invited me to New Student Welcome Night and I began to attend Friday night bible studies did I realize why Tom would live in the dorm.

Because of Tom and some other brothers who reached out to me, I started to attend Friday night bible studies.  I didn’t make it a habit to examine my old thoughts and actions but these bible studies challenged my way of thinking with compelling arguments.  The messages that Pastor William gave spoke very clearly to me, but I still only saw these as good moral lessons.  As I explored more of Christianity, the walls that made up my secular worldview were gradually being chipped away.  Slowly but eventually, I came to understand Christianity intellectually and trusted the historical validity of the bible.  Despite my new understanding of Christianity, I still could not make a decision to accept Christ.  The reason for not was simple; I didn’t feel compelled to.  Even though I grew up poor in a bad neighborhood with lots of immediate violence; I was a normal, well-adjusted guy.  I followed the rules, got into a good college, and never did anything terribly wrong.  I wasn’t compelled to change because I didn’t fully grasp the consequences of my sins.  I felt as if I had hit a road block until everything changed during the 2009 winter retreat.

I had gone to a retreat during my sophomore year in college, but I was not open or reflective enough at the time to make a decision.  It wasn’t until the next winter retreat that I finally understood the consequences of my sins.  Although I did not approach the retreat with the expectation that God would speak to me, He did.  God spoke powerfully to me and for the first time in my life, I saw myself as a sinner.  I was disgusted by what I saw in myself but at the same time I felt blessed knowing what grace really was.

During the testimony sharing, I realized that sin breaks us down and leaves us with no hope.  The moment I saw myself as a sinner, I immediately thought of the cross and of how Jesus suffered and died to free us from sin.  I suddenly understood God’s grace and forgiveness.  I fought back tears and tried to subdue my feelings and during the reflection time; I felt a strong urge to make a decision to accept Christ.  I didn’t answer the altar call at the end of retreat though.  I still had the strong desire to hold onto all my options in case Christianity didn’t work out.  I was also afraid that my feelings at the time were just feelings that will go away.  So I held onto my life and did not make a decision.  I told God the night I first became convicted of sin that I would become a Christian if He spoke to me again.

God is faithful though.  The week following winter retreat, the DT text was Luke 9.  At the time, I felt anguish over the choice I had to make.  It was either to ignore God and continue living the way I was living but now with all the knowledge of God or to accept Christ and give up worldly comforts.  At that point, I realized there was only one choice to make but I still postponed my decision even though there was nowhere else to run to.  Luke 9 was particularly meaningful to me in light of my realizations.  When I read Luke 9 verses 24 and 25 (24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.  25What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?), I realized that I would not be losing everything but that I would be gaining the greatest thing.

Now that I have become Christian, I can see how God has worked in my life. I have grown more in these past three years than the first 18 years of my life and I continue to look forward to how God will teach and mold me.  I am blessed with this community firmly rooted in God’s word.  God is truly faithful and good to have given His only Son for a sinner like me.