Jing’s story

As I was sorting out my pictures from the past to submit for the graduation banquet slide show, I was hit with flood of memories. I was reminded afresh my life values at the time or the lack of, and I couldn’t help but cringe at different dramas that preoccupied my life. But at the same time, this drastic contrast between my lifestyles then and now is a clear testament of how God has changed me throughout these four years. Looking back, it was ironically the most difficult and challenging times of these four years that God really used to mold me and shape me to grow in my faith and understanding of His love.

The most difficult thing during my undergrad years was my parents’ separation. During the beginning of my sophomore year, my parents became serious about filing a divorce. All throughout my life, I could tell that they weren’t happy with this marriage through their constant fighting, but it was still shocking to hear that this time, it was actually serious. I was extremely distressed not necessarily because of the fact that they were separating, but because of their anger, hurts, and pain that my parents whom I loved dearly had to go through because of their own sins. I seriously had never heard both of them sound so weak and distraught ever in my life. On top of that, my father’s heart condition deteriorated and the skin on his palm started to peel off, all of which his doctor said was a result of stress. He also told me that there was a night as he was driving back home he wondered if what would happen if he had just crashed into a car and killed himself. A lot more heartache and tragic events followed since my Sophomore year.

Through these seemingly hopeless times, I don’t know how I would have handled it if I didn’t know God and His people that sustained me and kept me sane. During one of the many phone sessions my small group leader, Joanna, and I had when I was overwhelmed, she suggested me to read Psalm139 whenever I was overcome with different emotions. The words of this passage- how God knows all about me, when I sit and when I rise, how He understands me completely before I even say a word, He knows my every thought – really comforted me and calmed me as I came to know that He has been with me all along, and he understands everything that I was going through. It became a passage that I turn to even to this day in times of difficulties and as a baby Christian, I learned for the first time then what it meant to be desperate and dependent on God for strength and comfort in the midst of a storm. Through this tough situation, I experienced God’s love through the people in my life – my small group peers who constantly listened and prayed for me, Vivian who wrote me a letter of encouragement, Joanna who prayed and encouraged me countless times, Myra who was genuinely concerned for me and listened to me, and Suzanne who invited me over for dinner to encourage me. I experienced a new-found security in Him through this community that whatever happens, no amount of pain can ever consume me with all these people watching out after me.

Another way that God challenged me these past few years was through opening up my eyes to the brokenness of Japan. It all started with Pastor Joe Kim’s message during Gracepoint Berkeley’s Sunday Worship Service about Mission to Japan last year, which was a burning bush moment for me. Being Chinese and having grown up in a homogeneous country like Japan was difficult, and having to move five times just during elementary school years didn’t help. Ironically, after I became Christian, I had unconsciously developed this bitterness towards that country. When anyone would ask me if I ever wanted to go back to Japan, I said no because I knew I would start becoming insecure about myself when I’m around Japanese people. Besides, the country reminded me too much of my past values. But for the first time, during that message, God softened my heart and gave me compassion on them. Joe Kim talked about the ugly aspects of Japan that I knew, hated, and wanted to stay away from as much as possible– sexual corruption, severe bullying at school, and high suicide rate. Only, this time God gave me His perspective on them, and for the first time I was broken for the country, and I felt a sharp sense of obligation for the same reason that I disliked that country. He showed me that they need to hear the message of the Gospel because God loves each of them so much and desires to save them from the destructive way of lives that these people are living.

During the Junior Discipleship Retreat that followed soon after, we were asked, “If we had unlimited resources of money, all the freedom, and a number of like-minded people, what would you like to do for the Kingdom of God?” To that, I said I wanted to help start Gracepoint-Japan. There, I made commitments to equip myself – getting to know the country, its culture, values, history, and people, possibly even sharpening my Japanese language.

The opportunity came when I got to know a group of Japanese exchange students from Kyoto who were studying English. Having found out that Sarah and Joy, also had hearts for Japan, we started reaching out to the students together. We even started a weekly prayer time at Bear’s Lair, where we would go around sharing our testimony in Japanese, read that day’s DT passages from the Japanese Bible, pray for the country as well as each of students, and sing some Japanese praise songs together. When Joanna and Suzanne found out about this, they encouraged me to start a seeker small group with Sarah and Joy. I was honestly skeptical at first that I could lead such group, but regardless of if we were to do it or not, we started praying for it. As I prepared myself for it, I remember my heart was racing in excitement, but at the same time in the back of my head, I quietly hoped that I won’t end up having to do it. But when I found out that seven students were interested in joining us, I couldn’t believe it. Looking back, it was just different small steps of faith I took, which started when I decided to respond to the opportunity to meet the exchange students. Then it was meeting weekly with Sarah and Joy to pray for the students. Then I just asked the students not even with much faith if they wanted join such thing, and voila! Next thing I knew, the seeker group was starting. I could really feel each step made my almost wishy-washy “vision” more and more real and concrete. It was scary and exciting.

Before each meeting, we would gather and pray together, and I remember our prayer was so desperate, each time reminding ourselves that it is His seeker group, and despite our inadequacies, ultimately it was up to Him to move their heart. Looking back, these times that we could share together in one spirit for the students was so precious. I tasted a little bit of what it meant to work side by side for a cause much bigger than all of us. We each had different gifts that we could bring to the table. I especially enjoyed the time after each meeting, where we high-fived one another, debriefing about the discussion, and celebrating the end of what seemed like a weekly final for a MCB class.

However, not every meeting went as we liked. The first meeting went smoothly. When we asked the students, “If you could ask one question to God, what would it be?” we were amazed that most of the students’ questions were the same questions that we were trained to answer during Summer Evangelical Training just that past summer. I was just amazed again how different events and opportunity came one by one so timely. But during the third meeting, when we addressed the evidence for the existence of God, we received a mixed response. Girls were either blanking out or confused, one guy looked really bored with an attitude, and another guy kept challenging me with questions that I couldn’t really answer. I thought it was like a nightmare. After the students left, I was devastated.

I was depressed and resentful because I still wanted things to turn out as I wanted it to. In the end, it was all about me and how I could fulfill that dream of mine my way. It was a very humbling truth that I didn’t expect it at all to surface, but it gave me a fresh perspective that it indeed is God who works in the heart of sinners, and I myself merely am an instrument of Him. I learned the hard way that really, apart from God, I could do nothing.

As my graduation approaches in couple weeks, I am filled with gratitude that God had been so actively at work in me all four years. From the time that He led me to salvation my freshman year, he’s been constantly opening my eyes to see truths. Truth about myself, and how I still have a lot of wrong values, truths about God Himself, that He loves me so much and the world all around me. Truths about this world, and how it is full of broken people who are in dire need of God’s love. And these truths are not merely passive facts anymore because they all required me to actively respond – often by struggle and challenge, but I know that I am surely being changed in the process. As I go into the real world, I pray that He will continue to stretch me and make Himself known to me for the years to come.